This has been kinda necessary for while. >.>

[fuzzy_squish]

With luck, a bunch of people newer to being around me will get to see this. I like to dump all my thoughts out in a post here and there, do all my whining/complaining/bitching/etc all in one post at one time, since it tends to be the same issues repeated over and over.


FIRST OFF, I OWE SOME APOLOGIES. Holy fucking god do I OWE. APOLOGIES. Sweet christ I have not been this bad since high school, I think.
Everyone in Paixao, and especially Jen, Hayley, and the Skype crew, I am so sorry. When I dropped, I got this stupid idea in my head that everyone was going to be upset with me, so...I got really scared. That meant I started shying away from your plurks, because I was just so stupidly afraid that I had made you all so upset, and more that it was something I had done that I had total, complete control over. And instead of doing what I should have, and facing it, I shut you all off. I tried to tell myself that I didn't need any of you around, and if you didn't like it I didn't care if you got pissed at me. That resulted in some exceptionally terrible behavior on my part.

More, though, that whole deal started back with the big switch from LJ to DW. I didn't really notice what I was doing, but I did kind of the same thing then, too. Only I wasn't so much scared that you were all upset with me, I was letting myself get upset with the mere mention of certain topics. And god was I an asshole about it. I seriously let that get the better of me, and something of a mindset of "I'd rather be on my own" came into play. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. For fuck's sake a guy claiming such significant similarity to a pack-minded animal should fucking know better.

And I should know better than to let myself do that to people I call my friends. That should mean that I talk to you, let you know what's on my mind, and what's bugging me, and NOT HIDE IN SOME STUPID LITTLE CORNER LIKE A COWARD. So you might talk about certain things too much, so I might have upset you, how the fuck is HIDING FROM YOU supposed to resolve either situation? At the VERY LEAST I could have been upfront about why I stopped Skyping with you guys as a group SO suddenly, instead of the bull shit I pulled.

I really, really do love you guys, and I really am sorry. I need to just...stop being a dumbfuck. I seriously do. It's not fair to you all, you're amazing people, and you deserve better than that. Way better. I'm going to make sure I stop this crap, as soon as I can.



Outside of that, there's a bit I think I need to explain about what's been going through my mind lately. Since I do hope that a lot of you new guys see this, it might put some of my behavior in normal stuff in a stronger light, though not necessarily better.

I have some definite social anxiety issues. Not sure exactly where they came from and whatever, but...you know the dog who rips up the pillows when you leave him alone for too long? That's me. If I bottle things up too badly, or I start feeling too lonely, I go fucking. nuts. I will get so anxious it's unbelievable. The thought that goes through my mind is a pretty terrible one, too, and more often than not a blatant lie: "What if this person who isn't here, isn't here because they don't want to be? What if they don't want to be around me anymore? Did I do something they're not telling me? They should've told me! Why aren't they saying anything?! Why did they stop responding?! Why didn't they call?! Why didn't they tell me what's going on?!" It goes on. And on. And on. And on. After only a couple minutes, I've gone from "yay friend!" to "oh my god they must hate me". While stressed, this isn't really a train of thought I've ever been able to turn off. I get really ticked off with it really fast, and I generally end up just keeping my mouth shut because I know I'm being stupid. My emotions disagree, but that doesn't make it any different. When I'm feeling fine, I'll actually think everything through, and won't suddenly accuse people of ignoring me (privately, to myself), but that's not what's been going on lately.

Since this is something I know builds with stress, the most real solution is to make sure that I just try to keep myself in a good mood, but...being the moody bastard I am, that's not always so great a plan. If I start seeming a little too clingy with anyone, it's probably because I'm desperately clinging to what I feel like are the last threads of a friendship I might be about to lose. Stupid, I know, but it's a canine thing. I'm scared that you being gone means you're never going to come back. That you abandoned me on purpose, and that you're trying to leave me. It's not true, it never is. I know that. But please, don't be afraid to smack me with a cluebat about it once in a while. I need some sense knocked into me.



ANOTHER STUPID THING is that I keep getting really offended by opinions on stuff that differ from mine, simply based on how other people are acting about it. This is mostly limited to fandom, only branches a tiny bit. Thing is, I love a good debate, or a good discussion. What I HATE seeing, and I've been seeing a lot of it lately, is gut reactions to things that don't get a lot of thought. Kneejerk reactions are fine, but that's all they are. They're a starting point, nothing more, and shouldn't be part of any sort of review of material or recommendations (or admonitions) of canons to other people.

That's more me bitching. The stupid part is that when I've been seeing this kind of kneejerk BS get thrown around, instead of stepping in and bringing a more nuanced discussion of the subject matter into play (like I used to do), I simply got pissed off and left the chat/muted the plurk/etc. Which doesn't really accomplish anything at all, other than simply avoiding the matters that bug the crap out of me.

What I'm hoping is that I can get back to the "discuss everything like a Wolfie" version of me, all critical and analytical and much less invested in any individual thing, as opposed to "you don't like my fandom you clearly must not like people like me either and I AM INSULTED." That thought is what I like to call "Tumblr bull shit." To define, in short, those thoughts should be reserved for high schoolers. I'm eight years into college, and should have gotten beyond that shit a long, LONG time ago. It only cropped back up pretty recently, but I am going to snuff it out, because it's dumb as fuck and does nothing but create stress. So dumb. I am a retard sometimes. Such a retard.





OKAY, I think that's everything for now. There might be other little things here and there, but that's most of what's been on my mind and making my life more difficult than it should ever really need to be. Help from friends is always good, but this is mostly just a matter of me remembering that I need to sit, breathe, and think before reacting. And more than thinking about myself, I need to do what I'm actually good at, and think about the people I'm reacting to...from their side, not mine. And if there's something I feel isn't getting through, I need to say it. Not everyone can read other people as well as I can, and expecting them to read me is levels of stupid beyond fathoming. I don't know how or why I let this happen, nor why I let it get this bad, but I am seriously going to try to stop it. To stop all of it. I need to be the Wolfie you guys became such good friends with again. For you new guys who haven't seen that Wolfie yet, I want you to meet him. He's a pretty cool guy, much better than this asshole you've been dealing with for the better part of a year.

I promise guys, I'll get better. Just give me time, and a few good whacks with a cluebat now and again. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm being stupid, or being a jerk, or inconsiderate or avoidant or clingy or ANYTHING. PLEASE, I need to stop this, and I'm obviously pretty terrible at noticing it on my own. Don't wait until you're absolutely certain it's just a mood that'll pass. If I'm feeling particularly horrible, I'm usually pretty good at making people know. But don't assume that I'll just stop when I feel better...something might have changed in whatever amount of time that I'm not paying attention to...and I think I've hurt some of you. I can't stand knowing that, and I hate it, and I should have done better, SO PLEASE, PLEASE don't let me do it again. I love you guys, more than I can say, and it's unforgivable that I let myself do any of this. You all shouldn't let me get away with it either. Bonus is, the sooner you tell me, the sooner I know, and the faster I stop.

That said, I can't really make up for lost time. But I can certainly make the time left much, much better. And god damn it, I plan to.


...Yeah, I knew I needed this. I should do these posts more often...forgot how much they help.

Comments

[prototypical]

I know we don't talk as much as we used to, but I still consider you a great friend and I like seeing you in a good mood. I haven't seen enough to know your moods or tell you when you're screwing up, but I can try to do so in the future. I'm socially clueless enough to appreciate the same in return.

And I know firsthand how bad social anxiety is because I'm disabled by it. I've lost a lot of friends because of it. If it's seriously impacting your life, is considering therapy and/or medication an option?

[fuzzy_squish]

I don't feel like it's disabling or anything bad enough to really need therapy, though...honestly part of that might just be that I'm scared to face someone who's a stranger to me and and tell them all of this. I guess...it's probably both, really, if I'm being honest with myself. I shouldn't lie when I just spilled my guts. Scared of what a therapist would say, I guess...

As for meds, totally out of the question, unless I get really bad. I don't want to become reliant on a chemical to maintain normal everyday function.

But you are right...if this keeps up, and it gets bad, I should really consider it. It's just that...it feels like I'm giving up or something.

[prototypical]

Arrrrrrrgh, I hate that school of though. Mental illness is like any other illness. If you're sick, you take something to help you feel better for as long as you need, whether that's a couple of months now and then or forever.

And if you're too nervous about a face to face therapist or handling it with your parents' insurance, MoodGYM is an Australian program for CBT -- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy -- which is effective for many people with anxiety issues.

[fuzzy_squish]

Like I said, it just doesn't feel like any of these issues are that bad. I was frustrated and stressed out and such, but it's not like I was starting to have trouble just going from one day to the next or anything. This all feels too...normal to me, I guess, to be worth therapy or medication.

[throneofroses]

You know I'll always be here for you man. I'm sorry it's been so rough. If you ever need someone to talk to or just a shoulder to lean on I'll come to you. It really can be hard express how you feel to others sometimes. It really is best to let it out though when you need to.

[shadetoshade]

Okay, I hate to kind of be the downer here, but I do think I should get some things off my chest. This is something I should have said to you back when you first started all that, but... Well, for the reasons I'm going to put down here you'll probably see why I didn't immediately say them. I hope that this isn't in too bad of taste, but. Well, this shit's too long to put in a private plurk on top of everything else.

First, I do accept your apology and while I wish you had realized that sooner, I am glad that you did and that you apologized. Thank you for that.

Second, if you really do want to keep being my friend, please, never do that to me again. I'm not trying to guilt you with this, but I do think you need to know just how much and why your actions upset me.

You mentioned your insecurities in this post, but to be honest, you hit every single one of mine with your actions. I've never had many friends in real life. In all honesty, it's always just been Alana. People in high school abandoned me at the drop of a hat. Some acted like they were my friend but were really sticking around more due to pity than anything else. I invited about 10 people to my graduation, wanting only a small party of close friends. Not only did the person who I thought was my best friend go to her boyfriend's graduation without even a phonecall to me on that day, but only one person came at all.

I don't trust people easy because of this, and I'm damn near silent in public most of the time. Even if I'm used to abandonment, I don't like it. I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to chase people off by being annoying or by being myself. By saying something wrong or doing the wrong thing. That at the drop of a hat people are going to leave and stop talking to me or that the whole time they were just around me because they felt bad for me. Because aside from my online relationships, that's what I've experienced.

And so when you shut all of us off all of a sudden, I was pissed at you. I was very pissed at you. You did what everyone else had done to me and proved that little voice in my head right. I couldn't even tell you that you upset me because if I did I probably would have come off as some kind of crazed, insane woman, screaming incoherently. I talked to you on the phone when I was close to cracking over stresses in my life, I cried to you on the phone and on skype, and I talked to you when my aunt was dying and after all that I was just dumped out on the streets because... you wanted to quit a game? I talked too much about the things I liked?

Like I said, I'm not saying this to intentionally guilt you (or at least I hope I'm not--I can't really understand what goes on up here all the time). But I want you to understand that you really did hurt me. So please, promise me you won't pull that on me again.

[fuzzy_squish]

No, no, everything you said is the stuff I should have kept in mind while this was going on. Stress must have just...really gotten to me or something, I don't know. It's not like I didn't know all of this about you before, and the fact that I did and still let it happen means you're very much in the right place bringing it up now.

I pray that this will be enough of a wake-up call that I won't let it happen again. If I can remember that talking to people is smart, then there won't be a repeat.

Just....have something big and heavy at hand to throw at my head if I give any signs to relapse. And feel free to make someone else throw it if you have to.

[shadetoshade]

As long as you know that and keep that in mind, I'm okay. Admittedly, it'll probably be a long time before I can trust you as much as I used to, but if you're willing to keep the friendship up, then I'm just as willing.

And I'll always be willing to wait with anything from the size of a brick to a fridge. |Db

[fuzzy_squish]

Yeah, I screwed up big time. I can't expect things to just bounce right back.



...But...could we maybe go...just a little lighter than fridge?

[shadetoshade]

Well, it's either the fridge or the Sears Tower...

[fuzzy_squish]

J;ALSKJDFL;ASIDJFAS;DIOFHASD OVERKILL. OVERKILL!

[shadetoshade]

My favorite game is Final Fantasy X. Of course I'm going to go for the Overkill!

[fuzzy_squish]

/sob

[ruevian]

I can't say I'm surprised at the reasoning you laid out for your split from the Paixao peeps. Your thought process was pretty apparent when you dropped and reacted to various people so defensively. I think at that time I should have pulled you aside and said something, reminded you that you had not, in fact, done anything people would hate you for. I didn't because I figured it wasn't my business.

People drift apart all the time, online and off. It's not out of malice or spite, but just a thing that happens. But then, you've already admitted to knowing this. You're an adult, after all. But it can be hard to let go of something that at one point made us happy. I understand that too.

I wonder if you fear disappointing people so much because you spent so much of your life trying to live up to pretty high expectations. Granted, I don't know as much about your personal life as some others might, but I do know you grew up gifted in ways the average person isn't.

Anyway. It's not the end of the world of someone is disappointed, especially if it's because they love RPing with you so much that they don't want to see you go. Feel proud and happy that you could form that connection. The people sad to see you go will get over it, really. You're important but you're not SO IMPORTANT that people will cry and gnash their teeth when you leave a roleplay.

I'm glad you acknowledged your missteps and mistakes. I also know it was hard. So I'm proud of you for owning up to the truth. Hold on to that logic and reason, even during the times you don't believe it. Personally, it's the only thing giving me direction sometimes.

/HUG

[fuzzy_squish]

I can't really say for sure, since it's been a few months, but I have to wonder if someone saying that to me, someone actually from Paixao, might have helped with at least the latter part of all that. I seriously felt like I was taking something really important away from everyone when I dropped, so...maybe being reminded that "it's just RP", which I tell everyone else when they drop, may have helped me relax a bit. Then again, I was also drowning in stress from not sleeping and classes at that point, so who knows.

As to the whole expectations thing...yeah...that's probably part of it. Doesn't excuse my behavior, not at all, but...yeah.

I think it's knowing that I'll make people sad that gets me so locked in sometimes, and it's hard to remember that it's not the end of the world. I'm friends with all of you because I think you're all awesome, not just because we RP together.

/clings to

[ruevian]

I promise from now on that I'll pull you aside in a private plurk or whatever and let you know if I think you're making a mistake or being irrational. You're my friend so your mental well-being IS my business. You've been there for me at my most irrational and whiny, so it's only fair to return the favor.

/head scritch

[fuzzy_squish]

I just hope I won't respond to you with more stupid if you're trying to talk to me about that stuff.

/eeeeee head scritches <3<3<3

[ruevian]

If it happens, I won't hold it against you. I'll just remind you of this entry and the way you felt when you wrote it.

[fuzzy_squish]

...why that icon.

[ruevian]

I don't have any normal smile icons because I HATE SMILING so I just picked this one, no worries.

Or maybe I did it to make you QUESTION EVERYTHING

WHAT NOW, SUCKA

[fuzzy_squish]

...I don't have any of my icons on this laptop, so have a trollfacing!Scar.

[ruevian]

COUNTER TROLL FACE no I'm done. This is srs entry.

[fuzzy_squish]

WHY JADE WHY