Wolfie (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fuzzy_squish) wrote2012-08-16 01:14 am
fuzzy_squish) wrote2012-08-16 01:14 am
Entry tags:
This has been kinda necessary for while. >.>
With luck, a bunch of people newer to being around me will get to see this. I like to dump all my thoughts out in a post here and there, do all my whining/complaining/bitching/etc all in one post at one time, since it tends to be the same issues repeated over and over.
FIRST OFF, I OWE SOME APOLOGIES. Holy fucking god do I OWE. APOLOGIES. Sweet christ I have not been this bad since high school, I think.
Everyone in Paixao, and especially Jen, Hayley, and the Skype crew, I am so sorry. When I dropped, I got this stupid idea in my head that everyone was going to be upset with me, so...I got really scared. That meant I started shying away from your plurks, because I was just so stupidly afraid that I had made you all so upset, and more that it was something I had done that I had total, complete control over. And instead of doing what I should have, and facing it, I shut you all off. I tried to tell myself that I didn't need any of you around, and if you didn't like it I didn't care if you got pissed at me. That resulted in some exceptionally terrible behavior on my part.
More, though, that whole deal started back with the big switch from LJ to DW. I didn't really notice what I was doing, but I did kind of the same thing then, too. Only I wasn't so much scared that you were all upset with me, I was letting myself get upset with the mere mention of certain topics. And god was I an asshole about it. I seriously let that get the better of me, and something of a mindset of "I'd rather be on my own" came into play. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. For fuck's sake a guy claiming such significant similarity to a pack-minded animal should fucking know better.
And I should know better than to let myself do that to people I call my friends. That should mean that I talk to you, let you know what's on my mind, and what's bugging me, and NOT HIDE IN SOME STUPID LITTLE CORNER LIKE A COWARD. So you might talk about certain things too much, so I might have upset you, how the fuck is HIDING FROM YOU supposed to resolve either situation? At the VERY LEAST I could have been upfront about why I stopped Skyping with you guys as a group SO suddenly, instead of the bull shit I pulled.
I really, really do love you guys, and I really am sorry. I need to just...stop being a dumbfuck. I seriously do. It's not fair to you all, you're amazing people, and you deserve better than that. Way better. I'm going to make sure I stop this crap, as soon as I can.
Outside of that, there's a bit I think I need to explain about what's been going through my mind lately. Since I do hope that a lot of you new guys see this, it might put some of my behavior in normal stuff in a stronger light, though not necessarily better.
I have some definite social anxiety issues. Not sure exactly where they came from and whatever, but...you know the dog who rips up the pillows when you leave him alone for too long? That's me. If I bottle things up too badly, or I start feeling too lonely, I go fucking. nuts. I will get so anxious it's unbelievable. The thought that goes through my mind is a pretty terrible one, too, and more often than not a blatant lie: "What if this person who isn't here, isn't here because they don't want to be? What if they don't want to be around me anymore? Did I do something they're not telling me? They should've told me! Why aren't they saying anything?! Why did they stop responding?! Why didn't they call?! Why didn't they tell me what's going on?!" It goes on. And on. And on. And on. After only a couple minutes, I've gone from "yay friend!" to "oh my god they must hate me". While stressed, this isn't really a train of thought I've ever been able to turn off. I get really ticked off with it really fast, and I generally end up just keeping my mouth shut because I know I'm being stupid. My emotions disagree, but that doesn't make it any different. When I'm feeling fine, I'll actually think everything through, and won't suddenly accuse people of ignoring me (privately, to myself), but that's not what's been going on lately.
Since this is something I know builds with stress, the most real solution is to make sure that I just try to keep myself in a good mood, but...being the moody bastard I am, that's not always so great a plan. If I start seeming a little too clingy with anyone, it's probably because I'm desperately clinging to what I feel like are the last threads of a friendship I might be about to lose. Stupid, I know, but it's a canine thing. I'm scared that you being gone means you're never going to come back. That you abandoned me on purpose, and that you're trying to leave me. It's not true, it never is. I know that. But please, don't be afraid to smack me with a cluebat about it once in a while. I need some sense knocked into me.
ANOTHER STUPID THING is that I keep getting really offended by opinions on stuff that differ from mine, simply based on how other people are acting about it. This is mostly limited to fandom, only branches a tiny bit. Thing is, I love a good debate, or a good discussion. What I HATE seeing, and I've been seeing a lot of it lately, is gut reactions to things that don't get a lot of thought. Kneejerk reactions are fine, but that's all they are. They're a starting point, nothing more, and shouldn't be part of any sort of review of material or recommendations (or admonitions) of canons to other people.
That's more me bitching. The stupid part is that when I've been seeing this kind of kneejerk BS get thrown around, instead of stepping in and bringing a more nuanced discussion of the subject matter into play (like I used to do), I simply got pissed off and left the chat/muted the plurk/etc. Which doesn't really accomplish anything at all, other than simply avoiding the matters that bug the crap out of me.
What I'm hoping is that I can get back to the "discuss everything like a Wolfie" version of me, all critical and analytical and much less invested in any individual thing, as opposed to "you don't like my fandom you clearly must not like people like me either and I AM INSULTED." That thought is what I like to call "Tumblr bull shit." To define, in short, those thoughts should be reserved for high schoolers. I'm eight years into college, and should have gotten beyond that shit a long, LONG time ago. It only cropped back up pretty recently, but I am going to snuff it out, because it's dumb as fuck and does nothing but create stress. So dumb. I am a retard sometimes. Such a retard.
OKAY, I think that's everything for now. There might be other little things here and there, but that's most of what's been on my mind and making my life more difficult than it should ever really need to be. Help from friends is always good, but this is mostly just a matter of me remembering that I need to sit, breathe, and think before reacting. And more than thinking about myself, I need to do what I'm actually good at, and think about the people I'm reacting to...from their side, not mine. And if there's something I feel isn't getting through, I need to say it. Not everyone can read other people as well as I can, and expecting them to read me is levels of stupid beyond fathoming. I don't know how or why I let this happen, nor why I let it get this bad, but I am seriously going to try to stop it. To stop all of it. I need to be the Wolfie you guys became such good friends with again. For you new guys who haven't seen that Wolfie yet, I want you to meet him. He's a pretty cool guy, much better than this asshole you've been dealing with for the better part of a year.
I promise guys, I'll get better. Just give me time, and a few good whacks with a cluebat now and again. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm being stupid, or being a jerk, or inconsiderate or avoidant or clingy or ANYTHING. PLEASE, I need to stop this, and I'm obviously pretty terrible at noticing it on my own. Don't wait until you're absolutely certain it's just a mood that'll pass. If I'm feeling particularly horrible, I'm usually pretty good at making people know. But don't assume that I'll just stop when I feel better...something might have changed in whatever amount of time that I'm not paying attention to...and I think I've hurt some of you. I can't stand knowing that, and I hate it, and I should have done better, SO PLEASE, PLEASE don't let me do it again. I love you guys, more than I can say, and it's unforgivable that I let myself do any of this. You all shouldn't let me get away with it either. Bonus is, the sooner you tell me, the sooner I know, and the faster I stop.
That said, I can't really make up for lost time. But I can certainly make the time left much, much better. And god damn it, I plan to.
...Yeah, I knew I needed this. I should do these posts more often...forgot how much they help.
FIRST OFF, I OWE SOME APOLOGIES. Holy fucking god do I OWE. APOLOGIES. Sweet christ I have not been this bad since high school, I think.
Everyone in Paixao, and especially Jen, Hayley, and the Skype crew, I am so sorry. When I dropped, I got this stupid idea in my head that everyone was going to be upset with me, so...I got really scared. That meant I started shying away from your plurks, because I was just so stupidly afraid that I had made you all so upset, and more that it was something I had done that I had total, complete control over. And instead of doing what I should have, and facing it, I shut you all off. I tried to tell myself that I didn't need any of you around, and if you didn't like it I didn't care if you got pissed at me. That resulted in some exceptionally terrible behavior on my part.
More, though, that whole deal started back with the big switch from LJ to DW. I didn't really notice what I was doing, but I did kind of the same thing then, too. Only I wasn't so much scared that you were all upset with me, I was letting myself get upset with the mere mention of certain topics. And god was I an asshole about it. I seriously let that get the better of me, and something of a mindset of "I'd rather be on my own" came into play. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. For fuck's sake a guy claiming such significant similarity to a pack-minded animal should fucking know better.
And I should know better than to let myself do that to people I call my friends. That should mean that I talk to you, let you know what's on my mind, and what's bugging me, and NOT HIDE IN SOME STUPID LITTLE CORNER LIKE A COWARD. So you might talk about certain things too much, so I might have upset you, how the fuck is HIDING FROM YOU supposed to resolve either situation? At the VERY LEAST I could have been upfront about why I stopped Skyping with you guys as a group SO suddenly, instead of the bull shit I pulled.
I really, really do love you guys, and I really am sorry. I need to just...stop being a dumbfuck. I seriously do. It's not fair to you all, you're amazing people, and you deserve better than that. Way better. I'm going to make sure I stop this crap, as soon as I can.
Outside of that, there's a bit I think I need to explain about what's been going through my mind lately. Since I do hope that a lot of you new guys see this, it might put some of my behavior in normal stuff in a stronger light, though not necessarily better.
I have some definite social anxiety issues. Not sure exactly where they came from and whatever, but...you know the dog who rips up the pillows when you leave him alone for too long? That's me. If I bottle things up too badly, or I start feeling too lonely, I go fucking. nuts. I will get so anxious it's unbelievable. The thought that goes through my mind is a pretty terrible one, too, and more often than not a blatant lie: "What if this person who isn't here, isn't here because they don't want to be? What if they don't want to be around me anymore? Did I do something they're not telling me? They should've told me! Why aren't they saying anything?! Why did they stop responding?! Why didn't they call?! Why didn't they tell me what's going on?!" It goes on. And on. And on. And on. After only a couple minutes, I've gone from "yay friend!" to "oh my god they must hate me". While stressed, this isn't really a train of thought I've ever been able to turn off. I get really ticked off with it really fast, and I generally end up just keeping my mouth shut because I know I'm being stupid. My emotions disagree, but that doesn't make it any different. When I'm feeling fine, I'll actually think everything through, and won't suddenly accuse people of ignoring me (privately, to myself), but that's not what's been going on lately.
Since this is something I know builds with stress, the most real solution is to make sure that I just try to keep myself in a good mood, but...being the moody bastard I am, that's not always so great a plan. If I start seeming a little too clingy with anyone, it's probably because I'm desperately clinging to what I feel like are the last threads of a friendship I might be about to lose. Stupid, I know, but it's a canine thing. I'm scared that you being gone means you're never going to come back. That you abandoned me on purpose, and that you're trying to leave me. It's not true, it never is. I know that. But please, don't be afraid to smack me with a cluebat about it once in a while. I need some sense knocked into me.
ANOTHER STUPID THING is that I keep getting really offended by opinions on stuff that differ from mine, simply based on how other people are acting about it. This is mostly limited to fandom, only branches a tiny bit. Thing is, I love a good debate, or a good discussion. What I HATE seeing, and I've been seeing a lot of it lately, is gut reactions to things that don't get a lot of thought. Kneejerk reactions are fine, but that's all they are. They're a starting point, nothing more, and shouldn't be part of any sort of review of material or recommendations (or admonitions) of canons to other people.
That's more me bitching. The stupid part is that when I've been seeing this kind of kneejerk BS get thrown around, instead of stepping in and bringing a more nuanced discussion of the subject matter into play (like I used to do), I simply got pissed off and left the chat/muted the plurk/etc. Which doesn't really accomplish anything at all, other than simply avoiding the matters that bug the crap out of me.
What I'm hoping is that I can get back to the "discuss everything like a Wolfie" version of me, all critical and analytical and much less invested in any individual thing, as opposed to "you don't like my fandom you clearly must not like people like me either and I AM INSULTED." That thought is what I like to call "Tumblr bull shit." To define, in short, those thoughts should be reserved for high schoolers. I'm eight years into college, and should have gotten beyond that shit a long, LONG time ago. It only cropped back up pretty recently, but I am going to snuff it out, because it's dumb as fuck and does nothing but create stress. So dumb. I am a retard sometimes. Such a retard.
OKAY, I think that's everything for now. There might be other little things here and there, but that's most of what's been on my mind and making my life more difficult than it should ever really need to be. Help from friends is always good, but this is mostly just a matter of me remembering that I need to sit, breathe, and think before reacting. And more than thinking about myself, I need to do what I'm actually good at, and think about the people I'm reacting to...from their side, not mine. And if there's something I feel isn't getting through, I need to say it. Not everyone can read other people as well as I can, and expecting them to read me is levels of stupid beyond fathoming. I don't know how or why I let this happen, nor why I let it get this bad, but I am seriously going to try to stop it. To stop all of it. I need to be the Wolfie you guys became such good friends with again. For you new guys who haven't seen that Wolfie yet, I want you to meet him. He's a pretty cool guy, much better than this asshole you've been dealing with for the better part of a year.
I promise guys, I'll get better. Just give me time, and a few good whacks with a cluebat now and again. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm being stupid, or being a jerk, or inconsiderate or avoidant or clingy or ANYTHING. PLEASE, I need to stop this, and I'm obviously pretty terrible at noticing it on my own. Don't wait until you're absolutely certain it's just a mood that'll pass. If I'm feeling particularly horrible, I'm usually pretty good at making people know. But don't assume that I'll just stop when I feel better...something might have changed in whatever amount of time that I'm not paying attention to...and I think I've hurt some of you. I can't stand knowing that, and I hate it, and I should have done better, SO PLEASE, PLEASE don't let me do it again. I love you guys, more than I can say, and it's unforgivable that I let myself do any of this. You all shouldn't let me get away with it either. Bonus is, the sooner you tell me, the sooner I know, and the faster I stop.
That said, I can't really make up for lost time. But I can certainly make the time left much, much better. And god damn it, I plan to.
...Yeah, I knew I needed this. I should do these posts more often...forgot how much they help.
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Or maybe I did it to make you QUESTION EVERYTHING
WHAT NOW, SUCKA
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